The Smothering Kind

•May 17, 2013 • Leave a Comment
Pencil drawing of a black cat behind bars or in a crib -- in alternating stripes of good white and evil black

Becka … Racine?

By Jeffrey Bishop

Tell Time:  7 minutes
Scare Rating:  3/5 Ghosts

Baby Becka was asleep for an afternoon nap and Mom and Dad, new parents, were enjoying a rare, quiet moment.

“Too quiet,” said Mom.  “Did you hear that?”

“No.” Dad didn’t look up from his newspaper.

“I know.  That’s not good.  I can’t hear Becka at all!” said Mom.

Now Dad lowered his paper, but only to raise an eyebrow at what seemed to him to be an absurd observation.  Of course a sleeping baby wouldn’t make noise.

Listening hard, Mom suddenly sprang off the couch and toward the nursery.

“Somethings wrong!” she exclaimed.

Sensing real urgency, Dad followed close behind as Mom burst into the room.  There, they found Racine perched heavily on their baby’s chest, gently kneading the child’s chest with its paws. The jet black face of the cat was pressed up close to a very blue Becka.

“Get off her!  Get out! Scram!” Mom screamed, running to the crib and her baby. The cat stayed where it was for a moment, intent upon some strange chore, and finally escaped only when Mom leaned over the crib rail to swat it away.  The cat seemed to shake off a trance state before it slinked between the bars of the crib and ran out of the room between Dad’s legs.

Becka started to whimper and cough as Mom lifted her from the crib and patted her on her back. Awake now, she broke out into a deep, pained cry that quickly returned oxygen and vitality to the infant’s frame.

~

Tragedy had been averted, but Mom and Dad remained shaken.

“I think she was trying to smother her,” Mom said.  Becka was back to sleep behind the now firmly closed door of her bedroom, and Racine was in her traveling case.

“I’ve heard of cats doing that — especially black cats like Racine,” said Dad.  “But don’t you suppose she was just checking her out?  Smelling her baby’s breath.  After all, she is still new to her.”

Mom threw a hard stare at her husband.  Had he missed that their baby wasn’t breathing when they found her?  Dad definitely got Mom’s message, but he remained skeptical, and continued to advocate for the devil.

“Could it be that Racine sensed trouble and was trying to save Becka’s life?  It kind of looked like a kitty version of CPR to me,” he said.

Mom considered it.

“Well, maybe we need to get rid of Racine,” offered Dad.

Mom wouldn’t consider that.

“No!” she said. “Racine was our first baby; she charmed us from the moment we saw her at the shelter. Sure, she’s terrible — she’s always into trouble, breaking something or tearing up the furnishings or biting me.  But I don’t think she’s evil.

“We’ll just have to keep a close eye on both and make sure that nothing like this can ever happen again.”

And nothing of the sort did happen again.  Indeed, from that day forward, Racine was a kind, affectionate, attentive pet.  Conversely, Becka, previously a sweet, good-natured infant, became a colicky and angry baby and toddler, and grew to be a sullen terror to her family, schoolmates and the general community as she entered her primary school career.

~

“Grounded on my 13th birthday.  What the heck?” screamed Becka as she stormed into her bedroom. “What’s the big deal about setting a wood fence on fire, anyway?”

She slammed the door so hard that it bounced all the way open again.  On the back swing, Racine sauntered in behind her and sat square in the middle of the room.  Normally fearful of the human, she did enjoy seeing her suffer justice at the hands of her parents.

She smugly looked up at the girl; Becka noticed in the cat’s expression what passed for a smile, and didn’t like it one bit.

“What the heck are you looking at, beastie?” shrieked the tween.  “I can … I will put a hurt on you!” Racine didn’t budge, even when Becka threw her snow globe at her, a near miss.

“Whatever.  Stay if you like.  I won’t be dealing with you, or with Mom and Dad, after midnight tonight!”

Becka knelt on the ground in front of the cat.

“They don’t know what to do with me; their shrinks don’t know what to do with me,” the girl hissed her vile message at the cat.  “That’s because they’ve never seen the wiles; the anger; the hatred … and the power … of a 400-year-old witch!

On hearing this revelation, Racine’s ears turned back and her dark hair stood on end.  A low growl rumbled out of her chest and she instinctively struck the girl’s face with an open paw lined with razor-sharp claws.

“Beast!” Becka screamed, and made a grab for the cat with one hand while tenderly touching her raw wound with the other. Racine escaped to the safety underneath the girl’s bed and growled again.

Seeing her own blood on her hand and feeling the pain of the wound made Becka smile; a warped, narcissistic smile, and she continued her hate-filled rant.

“It was enough to have spent nine lifetimes pent up inside the prison that was a dirty, shabby cat-skin … the prison you now find yourself in.  Yes, that’s right — I pulled your soul out of your body when you were an infant and I took over your human shell.

“Those Puritans, those white witches, thought they were so smart, trapping us in the bodies of black cats.  But they’ve come and gone, and here we are yet, one by one making our escape by swapping vessels with babes in swaddling clothes.

“If you hadn’t come along, I might have died a final death, used up that ninth life, waiting,” the girl continued ranting.  “Now my prison is yours.  My miserable fate has been yours for these past 13 years, and now you are at the twilight of your ninth life, and I’m at the zenith of mine!

“And at the stroke of midnight, when I’m fully 13 years old, I’ll have all of my dark powers back.  And this time, I’ll take over the world.  After I rid myself of you and this horrible, peaceable family I’ve been cursed to dwell with all these years!”

Fearful, Racine shot out from under the bed and darted to find a new hiding place, a place of safety where she could think about everything she’d just heard.  And plot.

~

A storm was brewing outside as the clock began to toll the midnight hour.  A low rumble from the west mingled with the deep somber tone of the heirloom wall clock in the foyer.  Becka emerged from her room into the dark second-floor hallway wearing a deep black robe lined with red velvet.  She clutched a gnarled stick in her left hand and almost seemed to parade herself down the hallway to the second-floor landing that overlooked the rest of the house.

“Tonight, on this dark night, I am a dark debutante!” she announced.  “On the twelfth bell toll of my thirteenth year, all the dark powers I developed through the centuries return to me.  Then, nothing can stop me!”

Racine was the only witness to this dark mantra. She crouched in the darkest shadow of the hallway, her mind and spirit convicted of what she must do, despite the risk.

Caught up in her ceremony, the witch didn’t see the cat’s back-end raise and wriggle; it’s tail whip in the darkness. As the girl raised her arms and took her first step down the tall flight of stairs, Racine shot out from the shadows.  She hit the girl’s raised leg with all her weight, knocking it to the side and into its twin.  The cat then twisted and wrapped herself around the other leg, holding it firmly in place.

The girl tripped and fell like ancient timber.  A high, primal scream escaped from her dark core as she crashed, hard on to the steps beneath her.  The witch-girl’s neck was instantly broken, and what rolled down the rest of the steps was simply a lifeless human shell.

Racine watched the body fall down the stairs, and saw an acrid, green mist escape from the girl’s limp, falling form and dissipate into the dark night with a fading moan.  The nightmare was over.

~

Becka’s parents had heard the ruckus and quickly arrived at the scene of the tragedy.  They didn’t understand why their daughter was dressed so strangely, and weren’t sure if Racine had anything to do with her mysterious death.

Mom and Dad were naturally heartbroken.  With the passing of time, however, they came to take great comfort in the love and attention they received from Racine, who remained a young and lively cat for a long, long time.

THE END

Copyright 2013

‘That Danged Hall Tree!’

•April 16, 2013 • Leave a Comment
Hall tree in a foyer

‘That Danged Hall Tree!’

By Jeffrey Bishop

Tell Time: 3 minutes 30 seconds
Scare Rating: 3/5 Ghosts

“Hu-uh?!”

Sensing someone crouched in the aisle just outside his peripheral vision, Brett instinctively jumped aside with a shudder, then quickly looked in the direction of what startled him to make a fight-or-flight decision.

He needn’t do either; he  recognized the object that had startled him, and approached it for a closer look.

“You’re interested in the hall tree?” inquired the shopkeeper a moment later.

“It’s certainly exquisite!” Brett remarked as he continued his examination of the intricate carvings of the central wood post and the ornate cast hooks springing from the trunk. The item had jumped out at him, it seemed almost literally, as he perused the dusty aisles of the quiet antique store.

“My grandfather had something like this in his home,” Brett continued.  “Though certainly not this detailed.  Or this dark.”.  He was transfixed by the devilish face carved into the top of the walnut post, like a medieval totem pole.  Beneath the nubs of two carved horns, the thing’s eyes were inset with red garnets.that seemed to glow as they caught the light in the shop from different angles. The brass hooks extended like claws out from the mast, ready to grab and hold articles of outerwear.

Detail of the demonic hall tree

Brett was repulsed by the nature of the object, but also found it uniquely irresistible.

“You generally don’t see these any more, do you?” he asked.

“Indeed you don’t,” replied the shopkeeper, perking up at his guest’s interest. Brett noticed the sudden enthusiasm, but wasn’t perfectly clear whether it was over the opportunity of a potential sale, or over the opportunity to wax professorially about domestic artifacts..

“The practicality of a hall tree — a piece of furniture used in the foyers of homes in the early 20th century, has long been eclipsed by the commonality of small

closets in modern post-war homes,” told the shopkeeper.  “As the foyers went, so too did their hall trees … ”

“Well, I don’t have a foyer per se, but I do have the perfect spot for this.  I’ll take it!”

~

“Mwuh-huh!”

Brett jumped at the shadowy figure standing in the shadows of his entryway. He took a second look and saw that it was just his new hall tree.  Draped with his hat and coat, the antique took on the appearance of a dark intruder, hiding and ready to strike from the darkness.

“That danged hall tree!” he exclaimed with a nervous titter of laughter.  “It’s making me a bundle of nerves.”

Indeed, every time Brett passed near it, the thing gave him a start. Even when he consciously knew it was there, he couldn’t help but react to the half-concealed presence that must somehow resemble a threat to his subconscious self.  The same way, he mused, that his ancestors must have instinctively reacted to a mountain lion crouched in the brush. Or to a mountain lion-shaped boulder at rest in the brush.

As silly as the reaction was — and Brett did in fact feel foolish for repeatedly jumping at the peripheral sighting of the inanimate object — he figured that a few days of passing by the hall tree would have conditioned him to its presence; that awareness and familiarity would quiet the warning system of his unconscious mind..  It hadn’t; the sinister feeling that the object compelled persisted, even into mid-week.

“I’ve got to get rid of it,” Brett concluded.

The sudden feeling of dread that overcame him was unbearable.

~

“Muh-heh!” exclaimed Sergeant Blumford with a shudder, as he noticed the murder weapon out of the corner of his eye.  The police had found Brett two days later.  Rather, Brett’s cleaning lady found his dead body laying just inside of the house.  The new hall tree lay next to him; it had clearly been the blunt object used to take the victim’s life.

Despite no signs of forced entry, the police ruled the crime a home invasion-homicide, surmising that Brett had let someone in, and that that someone did him in before letting his or herself out again.

“Creepy thing, that post.  Deadly, too,” said Sergeant Blumford.

Light from the room’s window caught the garnets of the demon’s eyes and refracted into the officer’s.

“But I’ve got to admit, it’s kinda irresistible … ” he added.

THE END

Copyright 2013

Hockey gear drying rack in a dark garage

Hall trees do still exist: a modern-day version … and the true-life, creepy inspiration for this story

Only the Good Die Young

•March 10, 2013 • Leave a Comment
An alien attack ship hits a car with a force beam.

“Jeremy never knew what hit him.”

By Jeffrey Bishop

Tell Time: 3 minutes
Scare Rating: 2/5 Ghosts

Jeremy steered his dad’s sturdy Buick down the dark highway, his hands placed firmly at 10 and 2.  A long night of group study behind him, the honors student had done all that he could do to prepare.  The college entrance exams were early the next day, and he was brimming over with accumulated knowledge, along with enough ambition and potential to carry him through the long life that he should expect ahead of him.

With aspirations to serve in the Peace Corps before becoming a surgeon, there was nothing standing between Jeremy and a successful life of meaning and impact.  Nothing, except perhaps the Xenon Marauder that swooped in behind him.  Approaching fast and low at 20 feet over the highway, the stealthy ship lined up directly behind the boy’s car.

Jeremy never knew what hit him.  What hit him was an ionic wave energy pulse that gently but firmly shoved the car from behind, off the road and into a ditch.

~

At Jeremy’s wake, his mom sat weeping in the corner while her sisters tried to console her. In the family room, the boy’s dad tried in vain to discuss the day’s ball game or Middle East peace or the stock market — any topic at all except for the tragic loss of his son.  Instead, he endured condolence after condolence from well-meaning friends and acquaintances.

“Why do the good die so young, Wanda?” asked Betty Joe.  The family friend stared across the room at Jeremy’s mom, shaking her head in disbelief and sympathy. “That boy was going to do nothing but help this world.  Heck, he’d already done more to ease suffering and help others than most do in a lifetime!”

“I know it,” replied Wanda, a nurse who worked with the Jeremy’s mom.  “During the summer before his junior year, he went on that medical mission to Uganda and helped save hundreds of poor villagers from death and illness and disease.”

“And what about his Eagle Scout project?” asked Betty Joe rhetorically. “Don’t you know that he got his troop to build a new playground at the after-school center for those disadvantaged kiddos to play on?  Why he’s’ done nothing but give and give and serve and give.”

“They say it always happens that way with the good ones.  That maybe God takes ’em early because they’re so deserving.  Or maybe because they’ve already done all His will for them to do on this Earth,” Wanda replied.  “I’ll never understand it.”

~

As darkness fell on the cemetery where Jeremy had been laid to rest only hours before, a dense fog also gathered in the still valley.  In the mist-shrouded twilight, a shimmering haze appeared over the grave site.  Slowly, the heavy box containing the boy’s embalmed remains lifted out of the ground and disappeared into the object hiding in the fog.  The dirt mound that had covered it settled softly back in place over the vacant hole.

“Why do we always go after the virtuous ones?” asked Zalpther, the younger Xenon in the Marauder ship.

“Because they taste the best,” replied Argthag. “It says so right on the label.”

The elder alien pointed at the screen to the newly carved tombstone laid at the end of the dirt mound.

Under the boy’s name it read,

Served Well.

THE END

Copyright 2013

Click the following links to read more stories of threatening visits from Xenon:

Black Friday

The Zentai Phenomenon: A Serial Killer Digest

We’re Coming to Get You!

On Hiatus!

•February 18, 2013 • Leave a Comment
Pacific Northwest Native American-style artistic rendering of a bear eating a cell phone.

“ONHI ATE US.”

By Jeffrey Bishop

We haven’t updated as often as we’d like, of late.  Maybe because we’re only just now back from on hiatus.

Tell Time: 6 minutes
Scare Rating: 1/5 Ghosts

Rick backed the family van slowly out of the driveway of the Dunsford family’s suburban homestead, lest he bottom out at the street.  Even though it was just going to be a week-long trip to the family’s lake house in the woods, only a couple of hours to the north, the vehicle was fully ladened with every modern convenience — most of them electronic, except for the highly processed foodstuffs they’d also packed — they might ever need.

He was embarrassed at the notion of such an encumbered trip to the woods, and was thankful that his father, “Rest his soul,” wasn’t there to see the sight of the modern version of roughing it.  “Same stuff, different GPS coordinates,” Rick muttered to himself.  But even though the idea of relaxation to the other members of his family came from the warm glow of a tiny screen, the hard-working father knew that the next few days was a necessary hiatus that he needed from the stresses of his work-a-day life.

“Say hi to Onhi,” shouted out Randall, the Dunsford’s next-door-neighbor, who was watering his hydrangeas at the corner where their yards met.

“Huh?” muttered Rick.  His full attention was on what he could — or rather, couldn’t — see through the blocked rear window.

“You know, Onhi, that big black bear that always comes around the cabin looking for food scraps.,” explained Marta Dunsford. She leaned across her husband to wave and shout back to their well-intentioned neighbor. “We will — we’ll give him your best wishes!”

Rick recalled the bear.  He also remembered how Randall Cranston had named the beast during his first — and last — visit to the Dunsford retreat. The entire Cranston clan had an annoying knack for knowing everything about everything, and had no governor on their speech about it all.

“How can it be a vacation if we bring that doofus and his doofy family with us?” Rick had protested. While the trivia snippets were tolerable over-the-shrubbery pratter on the block, Rick had found it downright torturous over a full weekend.

“Did you know that the range of the black bear is all of Canada, but only the most mountainous and wooded parts of the United States?” asked June, the youngest Cranston, when they’d warned that bears were known to wander on to the property from time to time.

“The leading cause of death to bears is human trash,” said Randy Jr., Randall’s son, when they’d first spotted the large animal snooping around the shoreline for anything left after the day’s fishing.  “The easy pickins’ of our trash brings them around to civilized areas, and then when they attack people, they have to be killed off.

“And they usually only attack if a momma or a poppa bear think that their cubs or they are bring threatened,” he added.

“We should call him Onhi, suggested Randall one morning, coffee cup in hand, as he watched the bear from the safety of the kitchen window.  “Onhi means ‘Dangerous Brother’ in the dialect of the local Native American tribes.”

How Randall knew something like that, Rick couldn’t fathom, but he had little choice but to believe it, because indeed, as Randy Jr. had told them, the brute was in fact a dumpster diver, and doing so presently had brought him fairly close — too close for Rick’s comfort — to the family cabin.

“I think we should call him ‘Matt,'” said Rick, as he grabbed his shotgun off the wall,  “as in, bear-skin-rug matt.”  But the sudden swarm of kids that attacked his legs or that broke into tears for “that poor creature,” compelled Rick to stand down.  Instead, all morning the family peered through the second floor windows at the bear, while mom made dad shoot it with a camera instead, from the cabin windows.

Hiding his mild annoyance, Rick smiled, waved in his most cheerfully neighborly way, then quickly rolled up his window and completed the most dangerous part of the drive — backing from their driveway.  All bad things behind him, Rick and family set forward for a fun and relaxing weekend together.

~

Where’s Rick?” asked Mack, the general manager of the factory where Rick worked as operations officer.  It was 9:42 Monday morning, and Mack’s dependable, reliable — and most importantly, punctual — manager hadn’t yet shown for his 7 a.m. shift. “I had a funny email from him when I came in this morning that said he’s on hiatus.”

“I got the same message in a text from him,” said Eddie, Rick’s floor superintendent.  “I got it Sunday morning; it said, ‘On hiatus!’  Of course he was; we all knew he was on vacation.  And it’s been pretty crazy around here lately, but surely he didn’t mean permanent hiatus?”

“I don’t think so,” said Mack.  “That’s not like him.  Let’s give him until noon, then send someone over to his house and check on him.  In the meantime, you’re in charge of the floor.”

Noon came and Rick was still absent.  Eddie was so worried that he sent himself to his boss’s house.  He pulled his care into the driveway and sprang on to the covered porch.  When ringing the bell didn’t work, he pounded his big fist against the door — heavy thuds that could have awakened the dead, had anyone been there to hear them.

“Can I help you?” called a man’s voice from the adjacent yard.

“Maybe,” replied Eddie.  He quickly lumbered down the porch steps and over to the low flowering shrub that created a border between Rick’s yard and the yard next door. “Lookin’ for my boss, Rick.  Seen him?”

“Not since Saturday, when they left for their cabin in the woods,” said Randall.  “He didn’t tell me his plans; when were they due back?”

Eddie’s brow furrowed deeply.

“Rick was supposed to be back to work this morning,” he said. “He wasn’t.  All we have are some messages from him that said he’s on hiatus.”

“On hiatus?” inquired Randall.  Now his brow creased.  “On … hiatus?” he repeated, then burst forth, “Oh my God!”

~

The park rangers found a scene at the cabin very similar to what Randall had told them to look for.  The door was standing wide open, and inside, at one end of the cabin’s main open room, four bodies laid dead and bloodied.

A once-sturdy man lay face-down near his family.  In one hand was the shotgun; in his other hand, investigators found his phone.

Two messages were on the phone; the first was in the sent folder.  It read “On hiatus!” and was the message that Rick’s co-workers — indeed, all of his contacts — had received via email or text.

The second, a plea in similar language but unblemished by computer-aided autocorrect — and tragically, unsent — had clearly lasted longer as evidence of what truly had happened than the man had lasted long enough to send it for help.

The unsent-but-correct message read:

ONHI ATE US!

THE END

Copyright 2013

Postscript:  Life imitates art; thankfully, none were hurt:

Two Brown Bears Make House Call in California

Disasters

•February 6, 2013 • 1 Comment

By Mitchell Bishop

The earthquake crawls through the town

The fires tear everything down

The angry rivers chase all with their water

The children run for their mothers and fathers

 

The sirens scream, the sirens wail

The people hide, but to no prevail

The hail falls down leaving baseball-sized bruises

Nobody wins, but everyone loses

 

The people panic, the electricity stopped

The volcanoes fill up, and then blow their tops

The trees fall, the leaves stop humming

Nobody can stop the disasters from coming

Copyright 2013

‘How-To’ Litter Box Cake: Happy Barfday and Prank You Very Much!

•February 2, 2013 • 2 Comments
PrankCake06

Would you eat this? We did!

Following gagging and a few laughs, Mitchell and a few of his friends dug in and enjoyed the rich taste and complex flavors of this litter box birthday  cake — the perfect way to cap a 14-year-old’s annual celebration!

Want to make one yourself?  Follows are the directions:

PrankCake00

Bake a 13″ x 9″ cake using 1 or 2 boxes of cake mix — flavor doesn’t matter as the cake isn’t seen until it’s served.  We used 1 1/2 boxes for a more full final litter pan, and to allow us to reserve some batter for a dozen cupcakes — in case one of our guests was too grossed out to eat the litter box cake.

Let the cake cool for about 10 minutes before transferring to a wire cake rack to finish cooling.  Once completely cool, transfer again into a BRAND NEW, CLEANED plastic litter pan (we found a 13″ x 9″ pan for $1.97 at Wal-Mart, along with a new scoop for $.94).

Ice the cake, again using any flavor of your liking, as the “litter” mix will completely cover the icing.  The icing is important for flavor, and to help the “litter” stick to the cake — so use the entire can!

PrankCake01

To make the “litter,” start by using a chopper to mash up sandwich cookies to the approximate consistency of litter.  We used Double Stuf Oreos — for the color, and because that’s our son’s favorite sandwich cookie. 20 cookies was the perfect amount.

PrankCake02

Using a vanilla-chocolate cookie introduces yellow color to the mix — something we’d seen in other online recipes, but something we wanted to avoid — but because the Oreo mix was too dark, we evenly stirred in powdered sugar — 1/3 cup — to the mix.

PrankCake05

Spread the mix across the iced cake; it doesn’t have to be even, but do strive to cover all the icing — there should be plenty of mix for this.

PrankCake04

To simulate “cat turds” in the “litter” — essential for realism and maximum gross-out — heat a few Tootsie Roll Midgees in a microwave for about 15-20 seconds — just enough to soften them.  Using 2-3 Midgees per “turd,” mold the Tootsie Rolls into shape.  This is more art than science, but frankly it’s very difficult to go wrong here!

PrankCake06

Place the “turds” in the “litter” and voilà!  The effect is complete!  Be ready with a camcorder when you serve this one up!

If you give this a try, let us know how your kids like it!

THE END

Copyright 2013

The Haunted Hotel

•January 31, 2013 • Leave a Comment
A family checks in ... to a haunted hotel

A family checks in … to a haunted hotel

By Christopher Bishop

Where is everyone?

Tell Time:1 minute
Scare Rating: 2/5 Ghosts

The Jeffersons left for their annual vacation Oct. 20, 1916.

Everyone was excited when they arrived at the five-star SHG Hotel.  When they walked in, the place was deserted except for an old man who was running the place; he had a creepy grin on his face.

When they went in their room, they noticed that everything was covered in cobwebs and dead spiders.

That same day, the boy was thirsty, so he and his dad went to get a drink.  The elevator broke.  Suddenly, the doors opened to their floor.  It was night time.  There was a floating torch when they walked into the room.

They saw the boy’s mom was floating.  She said, “You left me alone … now you shall pay!”

THE END

Copyright 2013

A (Dad’s) Scary Pinewood Derby Experience

•January 25, 2013 • 2 Comments
Pinewood Derby car designed to look like the Chicago skyline.  Dad broke this one and had to help repair it -- and son.

The Chicago Skyline — restored

By Jeffrey Bishop

Let me not bury the lead:

I DROPPED MY SON’S PINEWOOD DERBY CAR!

Today.  On the cold, hard concrete floor of the garage.  My 10-year-old’s vision of the Chicago skyline, wrought from Sculpey and paint and glue with a to-scale level of skill and craftsmanship and hard work as that of the architects and engineers and steel workers who erected the full-sized Windy City skyline.  Broken — the beautiful thing shattered like glass.

When it happened, I wept like a child — like I knew my child would weep when he found out.

My folly was thinking it needed just one more layer of clear coat varnish.  My folly was holding it gingerly between my fingers and not firmly grabbing it by its wooden base.  My folly was my hubris in thinking I knew best what his car needed.  And that my age and experience relative to his were enough to prevent harm from coming to his craft.  I was wrong.

What could I do?  I grabbed up all the pieces I could find — I found all of them.  Some had just popped off the base, but some — like the giant Sears Tower (my son’s first experience with America’s tallest skyscraper was NOT in the Willis Tower, thank you) — snapped in three places.  Its twin antennae — as much a part of the building’s signature as it’s boxy-tubes shape — had snapped off as well.

I mixed up some two-part epoxy and started putting the rolling Humpty Dumpty back together again.

When I finished, I felt like I’d done a good job restoring his fantastic job.  We would have to make new antennae, but the main of the Chicago skyline was restored.  I did my best.  But …

Would he notice?  It didn’t matter — I knew that I would tell him.  How could we team up together to design and build the car in a values-based program like Cub Scouts and have me try to sneak something like that past him?

Would he be shattered, as his car had been shattered?  Yes, I knew he would be.  And when he came home from school and I told him, he was.

But by God‘s good grace, kids are resilient and kids are forgiving.  My son calmed himself and listened to my apologies, listened to my pledge to help him repair it, and listened to my assurances that we could make it look as good as it had when he’d put the finishing touches on it only the night before.

He forgave me.  And he taught me about forgiveness.

Tonight, the car gets checked in.  Tomorrow, it will glide downhill at up to 350 (scale) miles per hour.  It might win.  It might lose.  And it might fall off the track and shatter.  But having experienced the tragic and having recovered from it together, I know for my son and me that whatever happens tomorrow, everything will be o.k.

UPDATE Jan. 30, 2013:  My son raced the car, and clocked speeds at more than 216 miles per hour, against winning cars that sped downhill at almost 230 m.p.h.!  He stayed on the track, and while a couple antennae broke again (the car’s Achilles’ heel) in the racing, it didn’t shatter on race day as it did for me.

While others’ bested his cityscape for speed, he just learned at last night’s pack meeting that he won Best Design honors — and he’s elated!  He’s also entered the design in a national Dremel-Lowes pinewood derby design competition first featured in a previous pinewood derby-themed blog posting.  If you want to cast your vote for his car, visit the site and click on the View Entries tab; scroll down until you see his Chicago Skyline car, then select “10” (how else would you vote?!) and then click the “Save Feedback Vote” button at the bottom of the page.

Thanks much for all of your support!

THE END

Copyright 2013

Frosticide!

•January 14, 2013 • Leave a Comment

Frosty laid over

I Swear This Job is Killing Me!

•January 9, 2013 • Leave a Comment
Man collapsed at a desk of paperwork

Death is the boss of you.

By Jeffrey Bishop

Tell Time:5 minutes
Scare Rating:  1/5 Ghosts

Bob shuffled into the cubicle he shared with Ralph and sat down.  He slowly grabbed the top report off a tall stack of similar reports to be reviewed that day, looked at the lines of grey text on grey paper, then with a heavy sigh, muttered to himself, “I swear this job is killing me!”

It was 8:02 on a Monday morning.  Bob had already worked many Mondays doing the same thing every day.  And for as long as anyone who worked with Bob could remember, he muttered the same thing two or three times each day.  That’s because it seemed to him that there were even more such Mondays ahead of him than behind him.

“Why d’ya expect more out of work, Bob?” Ralph had asked him one day at lunch.  “Sure, it’s mindless drone work, but this ain’t all I’ve got going on, y’see?  Get a hobby or a second career or somethin’.” Ralph’s second career was crooning at the Bacana Lounge on 157th Street near the airport.  He certainly had good reason to appreciate the security and livelihood of his first job, no matter how boring it was.

Bob had had dreams of a better career, too.  In his youth, he’d wanted to be a fighter pilot, “but you have to know math,” he reasoned — and Bob didn’t care much for math.  Later in life, he thought he’d be a fireman, “but for that, you have to be brave,” and Bob certainly wasn’t that.  So while he worked his life away, he didn’t have a clue as to what else to do that might make him more happy.  All he knew was that “I swear this job is killing me.”

So Monday came, and for Ralph, Monday went.

“See ya later, Bob,” he called as he dashed out of the cubicle.  Bob was left with a smaller stack of unfinished reports.

The next morning, Ralph was surprised to find Bob already at work, but as he approached the cubicle, he saw that his co-worker was face-down on top of Monday’s last report.  It seemed that the job had indeed, finally, killed Bob.

With all the efficiency of a large corporate operation,an ambulance was called to take Bob away, and by noon, the company president had issued a memo:

Today, Bob Lewis was found dead in his cubicle.  A career employee of more than 22 years, Bob was instrumental to quality control in our Reports Department.  Our condolences to his friends and co-workers at Emgee Chemicals; Bob will surely be missed.

~

The next morning, Ralph heard the familiar shuffling he’d grown accustomed to hearing for so many years of working with Bob.  Looking up from his reports, he was shocked to see Bob approaching his old desk.

As Ralph stared — jaw hanging wide open but silent — the dead man set down, grabbed a stack of reports and got to work.  Aside from appearing only slightly more pale and drawn than he normally did, to Ralph Bob looked like, well, Bob.

“Ugh.  I swear this job is killing me!” Bob groaned.

Ralph blinked, then snapped shut his jaw; it had hung open the entire time.  He swallowed hard, then said to the corpse, “um, Bob?  I think this job … did kill you?!”

“Ridiculous,” replied Bob.  “It might someday, but it hasn’t yet.”

Ralph was understandably creeped out, as were all of their co-workers, as word spread fast about Bob’s return.  But no one knew what to do.

“He’s starting to turn,” Ralph commented to the others at the end of the day as he pinched his nose closed.  “He’s going bad.”

“Take my mirror and set it on his desk,” said Sally from accounting. “If he shows up tomorrow, he’ll see in the mirror that he’s dead and he’ll have to accept it.”  The others agreed it was the best idea among them, and Ralph took the mirror from Sally.

The next morning, Bob indeed showed up at work again, and immediately noticed the mirror.

“Thanks for the mirror, Ralph,” he commented, then after examining himself in its reflection added. “Wow, I look horrible! I could use a vacation!”

“I’d say you could,” said Ralph.  “I’d say you could use a long vacation!”

“For sure,” replied Bob.  “Because I swear this job is killing me!”

~

At a loss, Ralph and a few others decided to seek help from the Human Resources Department.

“I see,” said Janet, the HR officer, after hearing about the situation.  “Let me ask you a few questions:  is Bob showing up to work on time?  Is his work of adequate quality?  Does he get along well with his co-workers?”

“Yes, yes and yes,” replied Ralph, “but … ”

“Then what’s the problem?” asked Janet.

Exasperated, the group left HR, still at a loss for what to do about Bob.

Overnight, Ralph came up with his own idea.  He headed to the office early to prepare.

Just as everyone had feared he would, Bob arrived again the next day, promptly at 8 a.m. He shuffled into the cubicle, and a heavy sigh escaped his lips as he sat down to his work.  The smell of this emission — of Bob’s rotting innards carried on his exhaled breath — nearly took Ralph out.

“Mornin’, Bob,” he called out to his non-departed colleague.

“Not much good about it,” commented Bob.  “I swear this job is killing me!”

With another sigh of futility, Bob grabbed the first sheet of paper from the tall stack at his desk — a stack that Ralph had prepared for him.  It wasn’t a report, but instead was a copy of the recent company memo about Bob’s passing.

“Is this true?” Bob asked as he finished the letter.  “Am I really dead?”

“Yes, you are.  I found you myself Tuesday,” Ralph replied.  That’s what we’ve tried to tell you all week.  Why wouldn’t you believe us?”

“I guess I never got the memo!” Bob replied, standing up on two incredibly wobbly legs.  Despite his poor physical state, Ralph had never seen him more cheerful in life.

“Well, TGIF, my friend!” Bob called out.  “Catch you on the flip side!”

With that, Bob shuffled out of the cubicle and on to an eternity of rest on his permanent vacation.

THE END

Copyright 2013